Tag: cp communication

Apologies assume:

• Someone hurt someone else.
• Someone did something wrong.
• Someone needs to fix the hurt in order to make things right.

None of this makes sense.

“I’m sorry I hurt you. What I did was wrong. I promise not to do it again. Please forgive me.”

To this, I respond:

• You didn’t hurt me.
• You didn’t do anything wrong.
• You can’t predict the future.
• You don’t need my forgiveness.
• I would rather talk about my pain, not yours.

Let’s back up a bit.

Suppose I say: “You broke my favorite toy. I would like you to apologize.” What is it I would like?

I suck at apologizing and I think I know why: it’s because I don’t know how to receive apologies myself.

So, I’m working on that: insisting that people apologize when I feel hurt.

But, as I said, I don’t like apologies.

I want to go deeper.

Most people pretend to be satisfied with a BS apology, because they don’t want to rock the boat. They don’t want the other person to feel bad. So, they pretend to “forgive” them.

Meanwhile, they’re not satisfied and they get resentful. (And the other person thinks the apology “worked”.)

Again, suppose I say:

“You broke my favorite toy. I would like you to apologize,” and you respond, “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to do it.”

This doesn’t satisfy me.

You think by asking for an apology, I want reassurance. It’s like if you could help me see that you didn’t mean to do it, then I’d have no reason to be angry at you, and thus I would calm down and everyone would be happy.

But…I’m not angry at YOU.

I’m just angry.

I don’t want to know you didn’t mean to do it. Believe it or not, I want to know you DID mean to do it.

But, it’s risky for you to tell me you meant to do it, because it opens you up to a whole new line of attack. Yet, it’s what I’m looking for.

So, why would I want you to tell me you DID mean to do it?

Because: the alternative is for me to blame myself. I want to know why you did it so that I can see that YOU did it. Otherwise, I’ll be wondering, “was I just being oversensitive?”

You can just say: “yes, I did it, and I meant to do it, and here’s why I did it, and here’s the benefit I got from doing it.”

It’s risky to say this, but I won’t be satisfied until I hear it.

You can accept responsibility without accepting blame.

Give me some examples of when apologies felt satisfying vs. unsatisfying. I want to flesh this out.

(Also, look into Nonviolent Communication for more about why it’s not possible to “hurt” people or doing anything “wrong”.)

In today’s inflammatory social media environment, it can be difficult to understand the language of snowflakes. Since it’s based entirely on blame and shame, they don’t talk about themselves…only you.

Nonetheless, like all human language, Snowflake is fundamentally designed to express the needs and feelings of the speaker.

I thought I’d give a brief guide to some of the essential words and phrases.

What the snowflake says: “Justice”
What you should hear: “Revenge”

What the snowflake says: “You’re gaslighting me.”
What you should hear: “I have a different interpretation of the events than you do.”

What the snowflake says: “You have no empathy.”
What you should hear: “I don’t know how to express myself clearly.”

What the snowflake says: “You’re being unkind.”
What you should hear: “It’s your job to make me feel safe and happy.”

What the snowflake says: “You’re projecting.”
What you should hear: “I know you are, but what am I?”

What the snowflake says: “Fairness”
What you should hear: “Revenge”

What the snowflake says: “You’re just trying to get attention.”
What you should hear: “I want to say “shut up”, but I’m too nice.”

What the snowflake says: “You’re just seeking validation.”
What you should hear: “I want to say “shut up”, but I’m too nice.”

What the snowflake says: “You’re arrogant and condescending.”
What you should hear: “Keep talking. My anger feels good.”

What the snowflake says: “You’re a narcissist.”
What you should hear: “I’m envious of you, but I hate myself too much to say so.”

What the snowflake says: “You’re being rude.”
What you should hear: “I would lynch you if I could, but for now I’ll just shame you.”

What the snowflake says: “Learn to read the room.”
What you should hear: “I hope you die alone and friendless.”

That should be enough to get you started. If you’ve come across any variations or regional dialects, please let me know.

I hope this handy translation guide will get you thinking about the correspondence between what you mean and what you say.