The temple remains.

Fragments of past transmissions echo below.

Category: Email Archives

  • Some relationship advice for you

    We all tell stories. Stories about ourselves, and stories about each other.

    Those stories are not true or false. They're just stories.

    “WHAT??? Of course they can be true or false!”

    Sure, but that's not why you tell them. The only reason you tell a story is that it serves you to tell it.

    It's OK to be selfish and manipulative.

    “Selfish” and “manipulative” are words other people use to control you. (and you probably picked up this habit from them as a kid, and are now using them to control yourself)

    You have to be selfish and manipulative. That's what human beings do. It's how we make the world conform to our will. How else are you planning on doing it?

    All relationships are manipulative.

    That doesn't mean you have to be an asshole. It only means that your actions are an attempt to get what you want. Stop telling yourself this is bad. It's not. (and if you can't figure out a way to stop telling yourself it's bad, that's OK too, because this is hard.)

    People get into serious relationship problems when they ignore this fact. They assume they need to be completely selfless, totally giving. Then, when the other person takes advantage of them, they feel manipulated and abused.

    Yeah, of course you do. You set the trap, and they walked right into it.

    Stop playing games with other people. Stop testing them.

    Instead, make your own rules. Don't concern yourself with whether they play along. If they do, great. If not, fine. Deal with it or find somebody else.

    Serve yourself before you serve other people.

    I know that sounds awful, but I am taking a stand here. If you don't take care of yourself first, you literally have zero capacity to serve another person.

    If you're neglecting your own needs, it means that your needs are not getting met. What effect is this having on you? It's a mess, I'm sure.

    You are constantly in fear, fixated on the other person's behavior.

    In Nonviolent Communication, there are three stages you go through:

    1. Emotional slavery: you see yourself as being responsible for others' feelings.
    2. The obnoxious stage: you get angry because you become aware of the costs of holding yourself responsible for others' feelings.
    3. Emotional liberation: you accept responsibility for your own intentions and actions, but not for the others' feelings.

    You're in stage 1 if you feel afraid, guilty, ashamed, exhausted, self-conscious, stressed-out. That's because you're working overtime to take care of others' feelings at the expense of your own. Eventually, you'll realize that this hurts, and you'll want to move out of stage 1.

    You're ready to move to stage 2 if you start feeling victimized, manipulated, angry, bullied, disrespected, taken advantage of, etc. That's the point at which you should start becoming more selfish.

    All the advice you read will tell you to become mature, to let it go, don't let it get to you, etc. You're not ready for that yet. That's stage 3.

    You can't get to stage 3 until you go through the obnoxious stage first.

    (that means you have to become obnoxious)

    If you want to learn more about becoming a Creator rather than a Victim, listen to the first 2 episodes of my podcast.

  • Why I don’t talk about piano anymore

    When I started this mailing list, it was for people who wanted to get better at playing the piano 🎹. (It wasn't even a cult back then.)

    Since then, it has changed into something different. Something broader than that.

    Lots of people have left, probably because they were expecting me to continue writing about piano forever 🙄.

    But the thing is, I never wrote all that much back then. That's because forcing myself to stay on the topic of piano is weird and artificial. This has never been about piano for me.

    I'm not saying piano has played no role. It has. But I'm only interested in teaching what I know, not pretending I've had some experiences I haven't had.

    What I'm about are radical acceptance and mindfulness. (Great things. You should give them a try.)

    You can't do them in a vacuum, though. You need to practice by applying them to skills.

    Piano 🎹 is great for that. It played a huge role in how I learned about them.

    But, there are other skills, too.

    I'm not interested in teaching piano. Nor am I interested in teaching drawing ✏️ , communication 💬, marketing 🎤, calligraphy ✍️, or productivity 📊. I suck at all these things, anyway.

    I'm not even really interested in teaching meditation 🧘‍♂️ .

    Look at your life in terms of meta-skills, not skills. What you learn in one field transfers over into others.

    You're not a blank slate.

    Awareness. Flexibility. Equanimity. Mindfulness. Acceptance. Presence. Curiosity.

    (If you want to hear me talk about piano, check out my $5 Piano Lesson.)

  • You should feel guilty if you don’t open this email

    I've got a video for you. It's about guilt.

    I know you feel guilt. We all do. We're taught to feel it.

    We're taught to hate ourselves when there's a chance we might be doing something wrong.

    What are you going to do about that? Do you enjoy hating yourself?

    The problem isn't the feeling of guilt. The problem is that it makes us stuck. I can deal with feelings. But, I don't like being stuck.

    Stuck in total indecision.

    Am I doing this right? Should I do it this way? Should I do it that way?

    Who am I pleasing here? Me? You? Someone else?

    Who's life is this?

    I played a lot of video games as a kid. I loved adventure games, where you go on a quest and acquire magic weapons and spells.

    Life is a game, and learning how to deal with your feelings is part of that game. That's why I named the video “Guilt Quest”. It gives you a couple of magic weapons you can use on your adventure.

    It's only $5, so check it out.

  • My name’s Michael, and I’m a procrastinator

    I never did my homework in school.

    Maybe a few times, but only a few.

    Why didn't I? Because I'm a lazy, underachieving procrastinator. Shouldn't that be obvious?

    (and you wonder why adults have self-esteem issues)

    Even now, it's hard for me to do homework. I don't think the name-calling helped much, unfortunately. Maybe I should write a letter to the education department of the local university and let them know that a new pedagogical strategy might be in order. 🤔

    Lately, however, I've been making things and selling them online. This is hard to do when you don't do homework.

    There's a lot of perfectionism and fear.

    Will it be good enough? Will people like it? Will they demand their money back? Will they leave negative reviews? Will they think I'm a con artist?

    But, I have my reasons for doing it, and those reasons are more important to me than the fears. So, I'm doing it.

    It's not easy, though.

    What is easy is getting caught up in stupid little things that don't make a huge difference. What font should I use? What colors? What should I name it? What should the welcome email say, exactly? How much s p a c i n g between the paragraphs?

    This is all a distraction, and misses the main point: just make the damn thing.

    BTW, I made a damn thing. It's called Just Make It, Damn It! It's a course on how to make damn things you can't make because you're stuck on damn stupid things. Hopefully, it will help remind you about what's damn important to you.

  • Let’s explore something here

    Objective perspectives can be liberating.

    When we get stuck in our own worlds, our thinking gets boxed in and we miss seeing the bigger picture.

    I didn’t speak much in Spanish class in high school.

    “¡Más fuerte, Miguel!”

    That’s what I heard, every day. I hated it.

    Foreign language classes are great for the talkative kids. Not for me. I prefer to listen more than I speak, but in school that’s unacceptable.

    So, I developed this notion that there was something wrong with me. That my reluctance to speak up was somehow a deficiency.

    In the world of that Spanish class, it was. That’s because the teacher was in charge, and she made the rules. She decided what was acceptable, and what was deficient.

    Now, I can make my own rules. I don’t have to buy into her stories about how human beings should behave, which are only the products of her own childhood experiences.

    Also, my name’s “Michael”, not “Miguel”. 😠

    There’s nothing “wrong” with her perspective, but it’s not the perspective I choose to see things from. I’m glad I have that freedom now.

    I’m offering 3 exploration sessions within the next week. These are 30-minute one-on-one sessions. If there’s something you’re stuck on, where you need an outside objective point-of-view, you might want to sign up for one of them.

  • Here’s an easy way to make 10 dollars

    I posted this on Instagram: “They’re not reacting to YOU. They’re reacting to their IMAGE of you.”

    A couple of weeks ago, I was walking down the street and I was approached by a guy who I assume was homeless.

    He asked me if I had $5. No, I didn’t. I almost never carry cash on me.

    He then asked if I would walk with him to Burger King and buy him something. Sure, why not? I wasn’t in a hurry to get anywhere.

    “You’re not homophobic, are you?”

    I told him I wasn’t.

    I was, however, a little bit nervous. He was a stranger, and he was very chatty. I also didn’t want to get COVID from him.

    “I’d rather you didn’t touch the bag of food, though. Do you mind if we stop in CVS and you can buy something there and get cash back, and I’ll take the cash and go into Burger King and bring back the change?”

    Sure, whatever.

    We went into CVS. I bought a pack of gum and got $10 cash back.

    At this point, I knew this was a routine of some kind, but I figured the worst that would happen is I would lose $10, so I went along with it.

    We walked to Burger King, and I gave him the $10. He told me he’d be right back, and I waited outside, leaning against the brick wall.

    And waited.

    I was about ready to leave when he came back out, no food in his hands.

    “They’re making the food now. It will take a few minutes.”

    I told him that was OK, and asked him how much money I was waiting for.

    “I don’t know. Probably not too much. You don’t trust me, do you?”

    I was getting irritated.

    “No, I don’t,” I said.

    I’m not going to hand a $10 bill to a stranger and expect to get anything back. I was waiting outside of Burger King because he told me to wait there. This was obviously some elaborate ploy, and now he was using shame to finish the job. 😠

    “Just keep it. It’s fine.” I told him.

    “Are you sure?”

    “Yeah,” I said, and walked away.

    I have no idea what he thought of me. He doesn’t know me. He only knows what he saw on that day. His behavior was based on his image of me.

    I don’t know him. I only know what I saw only that day. My behavior was based on my image of him.

    And now, I have a story to tell about it.

    I wonder what story he told. I like to think that he was expecting me to say, “no, I do trust you,” and that he now has a story about the one guy who violated his expectations.

    But, I have no idea.

    Either way, they’re just stories.

    My mind can imagine all sorts of stories around this situation. I’m glad I don’t take any of them too seriously.

    • © 2020-2026 Michael Korman

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