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Suppose you have an undergraduate degree in a STEM field and you want to get a graduate degree (MM) in music performance. Let’s also assume you haven’t taken any music courses and you’re not great at your instrument.

It won’t be easy, but you can do it.

First, you don’t need an undergrad degree in music. That’s just gatekeeping nonsense. The school may have minimum requirements, but an undergrad degree in music isn’t one of them.

Second, you can learn what you need to know by reading books and taking lessons. Music theory is much easier than math. Music history is a joke compared to any of the STEM courses you’ve taken. Ear training is hard, but you don’t need to be all that good at it.

Third, you don’t need to be “good” at your instrument. You only need to be “good enough”.

Here are 9 steps to follow (do steps 1-4 simultaneously):

1. Read about music theory and get good at it.
2. Read about music history and get good at it.
3. Read about ear training and get good at it.
4. Take lessons.
5. Pick a school you want to go to.
6. Ask what the minimum requirements are for admission without an undergrad degree in music.
7. If the gatekeepers give you an attitude, be persistent.
8. Satisfy those minimum requirements and apply.

It worked for me, so I know it’s doable. Good luck.

“Michael, I’m having a bit of a conflict and I’d like some help with it. You said it’s OK to block people to protect yourself and I agree with you. But, I blocked someone and I feel weird about it.”

Sure, let’s talk about it. Do you feel guilty?

“No, not really. I mean, he’s not entitled to me. But something feels off. I can’t put my finger on it.”

The block button exists for a reason. Are you worried you’re not doing the right thing?

The courtyard whispers, but the temple listens…

“I’m pretty sure I’m doing the right thing. You should have seen what he did after I blocked him. He didn’t respect my decision. Instead, he posted all kinds of nasty stuff about me. He said I was ugly and that he wanted to hurt me. I mean, I know he was hurt and that’s why he did that, but that’s not the kind of thing you can take back so easily. I’m trying to make sense of that.”

It sounds like you feel doubtful?

“There’s no doubt I told him not to contact me, and he’s still doing it. You’d think blocking him would have been enough for him to get the message. At the same time, I understand he’s doing it for his own reasons, not to invade my life. Hence the tension.”

Do you want him to stop contacting you?

Only those who cross the threshold may see clearly…

“Yeah, of course. Why else would I have blocked him and told him in no uncertain terms to stop? I mean, I think I want him to stop…Look, he’s acting like a stalker. I should be allowed to move on. It’s not up to him. Argh…I don’t know. I’m worried I’m being rigid. But why is he hanging on to something that’s gone?”

I can definitely feel the conflict. Do you mind if we make it more physical, rather than intellectual? I’m hearing a lot from you about how wrong his behavior is. I’m more interested in hearing what’s going on for you, emotionally.

“I don’t want to be so judgmental, but at the same time, I need to protect myself. You know?”

Yeah. It sounds like you’re torn because you want to be kind to other people but you also want to be kind to yourself.

“Right. But, I don’t see any way to do that. I don’t want to be so mean to him.”

Are you feeling guilty?

You’re late to the ritual…

“Um…well…For example, I don’t want to hurt him by telling him what I’ve been up to since we last talked. It’s not my problem he doesn’t have a lot of friends. I’m not his mother or his therapist. He should get his life together. ”

I’m sensing there might be some anger here.

“I’m not feeling anything. He’s just not a good person. :sigh:…I know I have trauma that’s making this difficult. I’m not good at this kind of thing.”

Hold on, let’s stay here for a second. It sounds like you have some strong feelings here, and that you’re frustrated because you wish you could explore them. Tell me more about what thinking about him brings up for you.

The temple remembers…

“I’m not sure…It feels too overwhelming for me.”

Can you try? Tell me something that bothers you about the situation.

“The truth is, it’s my fault. I was so stupid. I was really into him but it was one-sided. I’ve made that mistake in the past but I’ve learned to stop doing it. OK, maybe this is part of my conflict: I’m noticing I’m being self-critical about this.”

This sounds important. I’m hearing that you feel disappointed. I also sense that you’re feeling hesitant to allow yourself to be disappointed.

If you’re disappointed, it makes sense you’d have critical thoughts. You didn’t get what you wanted. Your expectations weren’t met. So, you’re looking for a reason why…a way to prevent it from happening in the future.

“I feel so stupid. We weren’t even in an official relationship. It might just be my abandonment issues…but I hated that so much. WTF.”

I want to hear more about your feelings. Don’t brush those under the carpet. They’re the most important thing in the room.

“I’m not good at feelings.”

That’s OK. You’re learning. This is a safe place to practice.

“I just don’t see why I should have to pretend like nothing happened. He’s obsessing over me. He never paid attention to me while we were together and now suddenly he is.”

What do you feel when you think about that?

“I have no idea. Part of me feels vindicated, to be honest.”

And the other part?

“I guess it feels hurt.”

Why does it feel hurt?

“I trusted him and he betrayed me.”

That sounds really painful.

“I’m over it. I’m not getting sucked back into any of his bullshit again.”

It sounds to me like you feel scared when you think about talking to him again because you want to ensure your needs are met. You want to know you’re not going to be betrayed.

The ritual awaits…

“Yeah. I don’t trust him. To be honest, I don’t trust myself either. I’m worried I’m going to be a people-pleaser, or that I’m going to have uncontrollable emotions.”

It’s like you have to choose between losing yourself or facing an uncertain void that could mean annihilation. No wonder there’s tension.

“It’s just easier to move on and put this behind me.”

Are you feeling pressure to make a decision?

The stones are ancient…

“Yeah, I guess. He keeps sending me emails. WTF am I supposed to do with them? Part of me knows he’s doing it because he’s trying to get his needs met. But at the same time, I can’t hear myself think.”

Have you told him this?

“I shouldn’t have to tell him. It’s not my responsibility to placate him…No, I haven’t told him. I’m afraid to. I don’t know why. The whole thing just feels stuck.”

Are you feeling stuck because there’s a lot you’d want to say, and you’re nervous because you don’t know how to say it all and you don’t want to lose control?

“Yeah. There’s a lot that happened. We were so close and then it ended. He got into fights online with some of my friends. It’s just a huge mess. I’m overwhelmed. I just want it to go away. ”

I wish I knew how to solve this. What I do know is that your feelings are more important than any right/wrong answer about what you should do.

Sit with the tension and let him worry about himself.

“I feel guilty.”

I know.

When I hear you say that, I hear that you have compassion for the pain of others, but also that you’re putting pressure on yourself to act properly. But, all that judgment is making it hard for you to feel your emotions.

“I get what you’re saying. Instead of being with myself in the present, I’m jumping to conclusions about my behavior or his behavior, trying to figure out what’s right and what’s wrong. But…how else can I make good decisions?”

I don’t know. I feel the uncertainty.

Enough talk. Enter the temple.

“Michael, someone blocked me and I heard you say that I shouldn’t back off. I resonate with what you’re saying, but I also feel nervous because I want to respect their wishes. Wouldn’t I be disrespecting their wishes to contact them?”

You can respect someone’s ability to make decisions without respecting the decisions themselves.

Obviously, this person isn’t respecting your wish not to be blocked, nor should they. You’re both autonomous beings, capable of making your own decisions.

But you must also understand that these decisions were made thousands of years ago.

Take action and let them decide how they want to respond. Whatever they do, you now have a chance to respond to that. Ride the wave, one step at a time. Stay in the present moment.

“My friends are telling me I’m acting like a creep. But, I don’t think they get it.”

Your friends are responding based on their own conditioning and trying to reaffirm a self-image they’ve learned from prior experience.

They’re not you and they don’t have your experiences. If your friends call you a creep, all that means is that your friends think you’re a creep.

Would accepting your creep status give you any freedom you didn’t have before?

“If I let myself be a creep, then I’d be able to act out of love rather than fear. I get that. But, doesn’t it still mean there’s something wrong with me? After all, I’m obsessing over someone who doesn’t want me in their life.”

You have to make a choice here. Do you want to be:

1. an obsessive creep who acts out of love rather than fear, or
2. someone who has the approval of their friends for never doing anything wrong.

The choice is yours.

Also, you don’t know whether this person “wants” you in their life or not. You only know they blocked you. Even if they said “I never want you in my life ever again”, that doesn’t mean anything other than that they said those words. People say things all the time, and change their minds all the time. Let them have their radical freedom to change who they are at any moment, just as you have yours.

“I’m nervous they’re going to retaliate if I persist. They might call the authorities.”

Your fear isn’t unwarranted. They may indeed retaliate. After all, they’re doing the best they know to ensure their needs are met.

Have some self-compassion here. It’s not a sin to let this fear dictate your actions. If you never acted to protect yourself, you’d be dead.

Again, it’s a choice. Do you want to act out of love or out of fear? There’s nothing wrong with either choice, but don’t fool yourself into thinking the other person is forcing your choice. You’re the one making the choice: love or fear.

“I heard that if you really love someone, you’ll let them go. How can obsessing over someone be loving them?”

Stop choosing your actions based on what you read in fortune cookies. Look at how you’re living moment-to-moment. What are your chosen values?

What’s driving your behavior? It sounds to me like you care about this person and about your relationship. Why are you labeling that an “obsession”?

“I’m labeling it an obsession because they clearly don’t want me in their life.”

You have no idea what they want. Outside appearances don’t always match what’s going on inside.

Stop worrying about them and worry about yourself. What kind of person do you want to be? What would that look like?

“But, I don’t know what to say to them. If I tell them how upset I am, they’ll see it as needy or that I’m trying to guilt-trip or blame them. If I tell them how much I care about them, they’ll see it as manipulative. If I try to empathize with them, they’ll see it as presumptuous or invasive.”

Are you actually trying to guilt-trip or blame them? Manipulate them? Invade? If not, maybe you should consider the possibility that they’ve got it wrong, not you.

But the truth is, you have no idea how they’ll see it. You’re basing your interpretations on two sources, neither of which is reliable:

1. Your own imagination.
2. The tiny amount of feedback they’ve given you.

Go take some actions in the real world and let your mind update its model of reality.

“What you’re saying feels right to me, but I still have some reservations. I mean, I DO want them to see my pain. Doesn’t that mean I’m trying to guilt-trip them? I also DO want them to talk to me, so aren’t I being manipulative by trying to change their behavior?”

Wanting someone to see your pain is not the same as wanting them to feel guilty. Wanting them to feel guilty would mean you want them to believe they did something wrong.

But, it sounds to me like you don’t want them to believe that. It sounds like you want them to feel compassion, not guilt. In other words, you’re wanting them to focus on your pain (for the purpose of establishing a human connection based in the present moment), not on how much they screwed up.

To answer your question about being manipulative…no, this doesn’t sound like manipulation to me. It sounds like negotiation. You’re making an offer and waiting to see their response. If they give no response, you’re taking that as a response in its own right and potentially making a new offer based on that.

Manipulation would mean you don’t care about what’s going on inside them: you only want what you want, and you don’t care how you get it.

It sounds to me like you care a great deal about their well-being, as you seem to be taking it into account at every single step. This is not manipulation.

“I think this person might have childhood trauma. I think my requests are reasonable, but I’m worried that I’m re-traumatizing them by acting like a childhood abuser.”

Yeah, maybe you remind them of a childhood abuser. But, are you abusing them?

You can’t control what you remind people of. You can only control how you respond. Like I said above, it sounds to me like you care about them. You have an opportunity to act differently than their abuser did, even if your behavior is triggering them. This is healing, not traumatizing.

“There’s more to the story I haven’t told you. We were in a romantic relationship. I’m pretty sure they think I’m trying to rekindle that relationship, but the truth is that I’m ambivalent about that. I can definitely see how someone obsessing over wanting to get you back so they can have sex with you is creepy. But, I’m really just focused on the present here. How do I make them see that?”

It’s perfectly reasonable to not know what you want or to resist being put into a box by someone else’s narrative. You’re allowed to base your actions on whatever you want. Choose your values and take action.

You also don’t know how they’re seeing it. The story they’re telling may be a defense mechanism or a shit-test. Who knows?

It doesn’t matter. Focus on your own values and on your own actions. Let your mind write its own story and let their mind do the same.

> CONTINUE