My least favorite conversation about meditation

I'm into meditation.

“Oh, I've heard of meditation. You mean like with crystals and shit?”

No, no. Not that kind. But I see the confusion.

I do the kind of meditation that's about radical acceptance of whatever's happening.

“Oh, I see. So, you just sit back and relax?”

No, but that's a common misunderstanding. Whatever's happening is not always relaxing, so if you sit and watch whatever's happening, you won't always be relaxed. Sometimes, it's no fun at all.

The type of meditation I'm into is called “vipassana”, and it comes from Buddhism.

“So it's a religion?”

Nope. It's just a technique for training your mind. You don't have to believe anything.

“It doesn't sound very scientific.”

It's not. It's an art.

“But I thought meditation was backed up by science.”

Yeah, probably. I don't really care, though. I do it as an art.

“Do you think I should meditate?”

Yes.

“What gives you the right to tell me what to do?”

You asked.

“You don't seem very qualified.”

I'm not.

“In fact, you seem a little bit arrogant and full of yourself.”

I am.

“Those don't sound like traits a meditation teacher should have.”

Oh! I see the misunderstanding: I'm not a regular meditation teacher.

I'm an evil meditation teacher. I have the bad traits, not the good ones. Make sense?

“No. You sound manipulative and psychopathic.”

I am.

“I hope no one ever takes your advice, ever.”

OK.

Btw, this is why you should meditate: it makes it easier to deal with people like you without getting depressed and suicidal.

“People like me??? How dare you generalize like that!?”

Can I help you with something?