Stop making your relationships worse

Here are some hard truths:

Other people don’t cause your feelings.

Your feelings are caused by your unmet needs. Most of those needs are a product of your genetics or your childhood programming. This is nonsense: “I’m angry because my partner said something hurtful.” No, you’re angry because you have an unmet need. Someone else could have triggered that need instead of your partner. Your preference regarding your partner’s vocabulary is a strategy for meeting your need.

You’ve got to understand yourself better if you want to get your needs met.

You’re going to keep suffering as long as you can’t separate your feelings from your interpretations, needs, and the strategies for meeting those needs.

If this triggers you because you see yourself as an “emotional person” and you think I’m asking you to change that, you’re going to suffer even more.

A feeling of “obligation” is fear, not love.

If you’re saying stuff like “it’s not fair for me to be so demanding”, you may have hypnotized yourself (and others) into believing that this is merely an expression of love. No, it’s not. It’s fear. Get in touch with your fears.

You can always get connection (but may not be the kind of connection you want).

Don’t blame other people for not giving you connection. You’re the one refusing to ask for it, probably because you’re afraid of what will happen when you do.

If you’re blaming someone else for not changing, you’re avoiding something about yourself.

The blame is a strategy you’ve learned to do in order to block out uncomfortable feelings. Your mind, when faced with those physical sensations, plasters an image of someone else over them and says “if we could just get rid of this person, life would be better!”

Don’t believe it.

If you change, other people don’t need to change.

You’re unhappy because your needs aren’t getting met. But, the thing is…you’re the one in the best position to get them met. You’re the only one connected to your own nervous system and your own memories and body. You’re the only one who really gets it. So, get to work.

You train people to act the way you hate.

Yeah, it’s your fault. You’re rewarding them every time they do it. For example, let’s say you hate how they withdraw every time you have an argument. Let me ask you: what’s it like arguing with you? Based on what you know about them, is it the kind of thing they’d enjoy? If not, why would you expect them to do anything other than withdrawing?


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