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  • Why my Christmas sucked this year

    No, it hasn’t been a cheerful Christmas season for me.

    For those who don’t know, I was involved in a serious romantic relationship for the better part of a year with someone I met on Instagram. 6 months ago, she disappeared and blocked me everywhere without any warning. She told people I was a stalker and that she had never consented to being in a relationship with me.

    I got harassing messages from a bunch of strangers about it. Several of my friends told me to get over it and have more self-respect. It was hard to find people who could validate my experience.

    It was awful.

    For 4 months, it was just like “whatever”, and then suddenly everything about Christmas reminds me of her.

    I was at Walgreens and felt sad. We used to send each other pictures of funny things we saw at the store.

    Untangling these damn earbuds…

    I got them on my dad’s birthday, right before she disappeared. I think they’re the same earbuds she uses (or at least they’re white like hers).

    I was so excited to have a headset with a microphone that I could use to talk to her instead of my stupid Bluetooth headset that’s never charged and never stays in my ear. It was hard being in a long-distance relationship wrestling with technology.

    I never even got a chance to tell her about them. Fuck.

    Now, they’re falling apart. The wires are exposed. That makes the loss even worse.

    On New Year’s Eve, I ate oil-cured olives. My mom used to like them because of how salty they are. I don’t think I’ve eaten them since before she died. I feel sad.

    Eating ice cream and playing chess on my phone is a great way to numb the pain.

  • #37 – Happy New Year 2022

    #37 – Happy New Year 2022

    Self-Defined Human
    Self-Defined Human
    #37 – Happy New Year 2022



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    This is simultaneously the last episode of 2021 and the first of 2022. It’s an experiment in storytelling. I didn’t plan out anything beyond that and I feel embarassed.

  • When you lose someone important to you

    When you lose someone important to you, the fact that you can’t talk about it without freaking out everyone else is almost worse than the loss itself.

    I’ve been reading Amazon reviews for books on grief, trying to figure out why people buy them.

    My mom died a few years ago, and I never bought any books on grief. But, I certainly noticed how awkward people got. Or, maybe it was just me. Same difference.

    I think that’s why they buy the books…trying to deal with the awkwardness.

    All the tiny decisions you now have to make:

    • Do I have this conversation with this person?
    • Do I put myself in this situation which might lead to a conversation with this person?
    • Do I throw this thing out or keep it?
    • Do I act this way or that way?

    The stress of these decisions accumulates until finally you say “I can’t deal with this grief anymore.”

    Losing people isn’t a problem. It’s just sadness which comes and goes like any other feeling.

    But the stuckness caused by these cultural forces…it grows and grows if you don’t deal with it.

  • How Meditation Can Save the World

    The meditation world has been dominated by non-threatening, gentle idiots who are more than happy to encourage the ignorant masses to zone out and relax (which is what the ignorant masses want).

    (Don’t forget that meditation teachers pretend to be happier than they are because they feel social pressure from their friends to fit in.)

    Canceled meditators have insight

    My prediction is that in the next couple of years, people who have been victims of cancel culture will be speaking out more. Lots of them have real insight, but up to now, have been afraid to share their insights.

    Meditation matters more today because we’re in a time of greater diversity and interconnectedness. There is no way to make everyone’s verbal system line up with everyone else’s. So, it’s more important than ever that we learn how to attain some degree of equanimity that can absorb those shocks until culture can learn to synchronize on its own.

    The pandemic has caused so much disconnection and fighting online.

    I’m hopeful that one day we’ll figure out how to create a critical mass of enlightened people who can influence the culture to become more tolerant.

    Practice is more important than beliefs

    We’re wasting too much time in the meditation world arguing over stupid things, too much time trying to convince people to look at things a certain way.

    None of that’s important. People will always have their own unique ways of looking at things based on their own personal learning histories.

    Instead, we should be practicing: giving practical exercises and doing them.

    It’s not about “self-care”

    Looking at Instagram, meditation people seem to be talking about “self-care” and “fully showing up for yourself.” This feels untrue to me because there is no self. It encourages people to engage in emotional avoidance.

    That’s fine and all, but it’s not meditation. Meditation is about observing sensory phenomena as they are. Don’t get it confused with psychotherapy or assertiveness training or anything like that. They’re totally separate. Meditation requires you to accept even the parts of you that aren’t interested in self-care.

    People are anxious about this because they’re becoming aware of how society has been controlling them and they want to break free.

    It’s about untying knots

    Yet, I have high hopes for meditation because of the potential for it to untie knots in the human mind, to increase empathy and compassion and save the world.

  • If you’re a product of academia

    If you’re a product of academia, you’ve been brainwashed into thinking that “helping people” means “impressing my peers.”

    Being a true force for good in the world is hard, lonely work. You won’t get much praise from your peers. After all, they’re invested in the status quo, the system that rewards you for perpetuating CULTURE.

    But, culture isn’t what helps people. If culture were enough, there would be no need for help.

    Culture is what’s here NOW. To help, you’ve got to show a NEW path.

    I feel encouraged when I contemplate the possibilities of social media. We’ve got a chance at going against culture and reaching people who are open to being reached on their own level.

    You can sorta do this in academia, but there’s a lot of bullshit you have to work around. The biggest obstacle is the fact that most of the people in that system are too attached to the system to be open to change.

    That’s a big obstacle, bigger than it seems at first glance.

    Be a leader.

    Show people a way.

    Help them carry their insecurities and doubts.

    Don’t try to impress your peers. You’re doing that because you want to fit in, because you feel lonely, powerless, isolated.

    Don’t let them control you. They don’t care about you. They don’t even have the power to care about you. CULTURE is what’s pulling the strings, not them.

    Remember why you started this project. It wasn’t to fit in. It was to drag people, kicking and screaming, out of the cave. They’re not supposed to like it, and you’re not supposed to like it. But, you both should be willing to do it, for the sake of something bigger.

    Those who agree with you aren’t open to your help.

    They’re feeling the same pressure you are: to feel safe, to fit in.

    You’ve got to go it alone.

    (But you’re not alone.)

  • Opera singers: this is why you’re not getting hired

    I play the piano and work with singers. You guys are doing a bunch of stuff wrong and if you fixed it you’d be far more likely to get the success you’re looking for.

    Yeah, I know singing is hard. Doesn’t matter. Anything worth doing is going to be hard.

    Besides, why are you so attached to your self-image and your achievements?

    What makes a good singer

    You’ll be hired to sing for one of two reasons:

    1. You have some rare quality that’s in high demand (in which case they might be willing to put up with your obnoxious behavior), or
    2. You’re able to do your job without making things harder for everyone else (this is also a rare quality).

    It’s up to you to decide which way’s easiest.

    What everyone else really cares about

    Those other people you’re singing with only care about one thing: how easy you’re making their job (and, they only complain when you make things difficult).

    They never complain because you’re doing it “wrong”. There are lots of ways to sing “wrong” that don’t make anything harder. Just because it’s printed in the score in black and white doesn’t mean it’s important, regardless of what you learned in music school.

    “Knowing” the right notes isn’t enough

    To sing the right notes, you have to understand the scale functions. Not intellectually, but physically.

    Yeah, I see that you wrote in the solfege in your score. Doesn’t matter.

    Yeah, I know you “know” what it should be.

    If you’re not able to find your note and I say, “it’s the tonic”, you shouldn’t react by trying to cover it up with excuses.

    I’m not asking if you understand intellectually what it should be. I’m asking if you understand it in your body. In fact, I’m not even asking. I’m telling you to sing it again and try to let your body absorb it.

    How to make conductors happy

    They might not admit this, but it’s true:

    Conductors don’t care about every little detail. They care about the big picture.

    You, the singer, care about the little details because you’re responsible for all of them.

    The conductor, on the other hand, is responsible for making sure the whole thing sounds good. They’re especially concerned with making sure the orchestra can stay in sync with the singers. Therefore, the more problems you have with tempo, the more stress you’ll cause the conductor.

    They don’t care about the words and pitches and diction. They don’t care whether you sing a dotted rhythm or a straight rhythm. They only care about those tiny details when the tempo is perfect. That is, are you singing along with the same beat as the orchestra?

    So, tempo flexibility should be important to you.

    When you’re working with a coach, don’t say “it should be faster/slower here”.

    It doesn’t matter what the tempo “is”. You should be able to sing at any tempo. Yet, you’re a slave to the tempo, and you’re blaming the pianist for having the wrong tempo.

    I don’t care about your fucking fermatas and your fucking “the tempo should be free here” and your fucking “the conductor will cue me”. When you’re practicing with me, you follow the fucking score.

    You can’t cram memory

    You shouldn’t be forcing yourself to memorize things. You should absorb the music. It must become part of you. If you want to sing from memory, why are you pretending to keep the score at a distance and then running here to look over my shoulder every time you feel insecure?

    To become bulletproof, you must practice being uncomfortable

    When you’re having trouble with a section, don’t say to me, “can we move on?”

    Did you hire me as a coach or not? Do you trust my way of working? Are you wanting someone to just reassure you and make you feel good?

    Practice should be uncomfortable. You should be facing your insecurities and weaknesses. That’s the whole point, to get outside your comfort zone.

    Why the fuck do you want to “move on”? No, you need to sit right here. Like Daniel waxing the car and painting the fence.

    Let your coach’s disapproval inoculate you

    You think I’m mad? You’re “sorry”?

    Don’t apologize to me.

    I don’t care.

    I’m not here to judge you. I’m here to work your ass off. I don’t want to hear excuses. I want to hear your singing.

    Yes, I’m mad. What does that matter? It’s not about my fucking emotions. It’s about the work you’re doing. It’s not about reassuring me or trying to calm me down. When you do that, you’re wasting time and you’re disconnecting from what you’re presumably trying to do (work on your singing).

    How do “Michael’s emotions” have anything to do with your singing?

    Don’t look at me every time you sing something to get my reaction. Yes, you’re doing it wrong. Furthermore, it’s not going to be right until you take your fucking attention off of me and put it where it belongs: on your singing.

    If I tell you to repeat something, you can assume I’m going to want you to keep repeating it until I’m satisfied. You can’t shortcut that by acting like I’m an abusive teacher and am forcing you to do something you hate.

    Jesus Christ, you’re so traumatized. What did your teachers do to you as a kid?

    Why do I have to pay the price for that now?

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