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This post is for women who understand that reality is created subjectively and who are on board with the anti-toxic-positivity/pro-radical-acceptance philosophy we’ve got going on over here at Michael Korman Incorporated.

So…if your man isn’t communicating with you, here are 5 things you should keep in mind (unless you want to drive yourself crazy):

1. Your stress isn’t caused by your lack of knowledge.

You’re not stressed out because you “don’t know where he stands.” This is a trick the mind is playing on you (not to mention a piece of language you learned from culture rather than anything resembling reality). You’re stressed out because you have a fear of making the wrong decision. Get in touch with your fears.

Imagine you knew where he stood. What decision are you currently holding off on that you’d then be able to make?

Come on, let’s make it practical. Get out of your head.

2. Even if he says “I don’t know”, you don’t know what he doesn’t know.

Maybe you’ve done your due diligence and asked him “what are you thinking? what are you feeling?” and the answer came back “I don’t know.”

I got news for you: “I don’t know” is normally code for “I don’t feel comfortable talking about this.” Take it as a sign that you asked the wrong question.

(omg, I hate answering questions like this. There’s literally a button inside me that you can push and get “I don’t know” instantaneously, free of charge, whenever you want.)

3. It’s OK to want him to change.

When your needs aren’t being met, your mind will tell you stories about how they might get met. Some of those stories will be about how other people can change. That’s just a normal part of having a problem-solving human mind. Don’t stress out about whether you “really want him to change.”

You’re not your thoughts.

Stories are just stories. Let them play out as they do.

(if you want to have even more fun, you might try breaking down those stories into their constituent sensory phenomena.)

4. It’s OK to feel guilty.

If you feel guilty for wanting him to change, it means you have compassion for his predicament, and also that you have a fear of seeing yourself as a “demanding person”. This is yet another story your mind is telling.

It’s OK to have whatever feelings you’re having.

(This isn’t about self-love and self-care and nap time and let’s-all-sit-in-a-circle-and-discuss-our-feelings. I don’t care about your feelings. I only care about your ACTIONS.)

5. It’s always OK to focus on yourself.

Maybe you’re worried that he feels stuck and isn’t sure how to communicate with you. If this means you’re going to sacrifice your own needs in case that’s true…don’t do that. Sacrificing yourself will only make you resentful, and I’m sure this is a big part of why he’s not communicating with you in the first place.

No one wants to be responsible for all that.

So, focus on yourself. Or rather, let yourself focus on yourself. You’re going to do it anyway…might as well untie the karmic knots and let reality unfold as it always wanted to.

Here are some hard truths:

Other people don’t cause your feelings.

Your feelings are caused by your unmet needs. Most of those needs are a product of your genetics or your childhood programming. This is nonsense: “I’m angry because my partner said something hurtful.” No, you’re angry because you have an unmet need. Someone else could have triggered that need instead of your partner. Your preference regarding your partner’s vocabulary is a strategy for meeting your need.

You’ve got to understand yourself better if you want to get your needs met.

You’re going to keep suffering as long as you can’t separate your feelings from your interpretations, needs, and the strategies for meeting those needs.

If this triggers you because you see yourself as an “emotional person” and you think I’m asking you to change that, you’re going to suffer even more.

A feeling of “obligation” is fear, not love.

If you’re saying stuff like “it’s not fair for me to be so demanding”, you may have hypnotized yourself (and others) into believing that this is merely an expression of love. No, it’s not. It’s fear. Get in touch with your fears.

You can always get connection (but may not be the kind of connection you want).

Don’t blame other people for not giving you connection. You’re the one refusing to ask for it, probably because you’re afraid of what will happen when you do.

If you’re blaming someone else for not changing, you’re avoiding something about yourself.

The blame is a strategy you’ve learned to do in order to block out uncomfortable feelings. Your mind, when faced with those physical sensations, plasters an image of someone else over them and says “if we could just get rid of this person, life would be better!”

Don’t believe it.

If you change, other people don’t need to change.

You’re unhappy because your needs aren’t getting met. But, the thing is…you’re the one in the best position to get them met. You’re the only one connected to your own nervous system and your own memories and body. You’re the only one who really gets it. So, get to work.

You train people to act the way you hate.

Yeah, it’s your fault. You’re rewarding them every time they do it. For example, let’s say you hate how they withdraw every time you have an argument. Let me ask you: what’s it like arguing with you? Based on what you know about them, is it the kind of thing they’d enjoy? If not, why would you expect them to do anything other than withdrawing?