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  • You Can’t Change Your Eating Habits

    You were taught that food is a bad thing. Something you need to avoid at all costs.

    “But Michael, I was never taught this! You don’t know anything about me!”

    I’m frustrated because I’m trying to write a post about the stuff I know, for an audience who might be wanting to learn something about what I know.

    Would you be willing to either read the article and take it for what it is, or message me privately? Maybe I can help you find someone else who might be better suited for you.

    Your Urges Aren’t Your Fault

    OK, where was I?

    I was writing about how food is a thing you were taught to hate. Meaning: you were taught that if you eat “too much”, you have a character flaw that must be corrected.

    Not only that, but you must be the one to correct it.

    This is impractical.

    Food tastes good and eating food feels good. There are obvious reasons why this should be. Food is necessary for our physical survival. If it didn’t taste good, we wouldn’t eat it. If it were easy to tear ourselves away from food, we would starve to death.

    So, get rid of the notion that there’s anything less than billions of years of evolution keeping you glued to your food habits.

    You’re perfect just as you are. Your urges were conditioned in the contexts they were conditioned in. Lots of them were present at your birth. They just are what they are.

    The media wants you to believe otherwise. Your parents want you to believe otherwise. Your friends, your doctor, your yoga teacher, your whatever whatever whatever…

    But, at the end of the day, you are who you are.

    You’re Perfect and You’re Broken

    Does that mean you should just relax and take it easy? Of course not. You couldn’t even do that if you tried. That’s why there’s a problem. You should work on yourself. After all, you’re broken.

    I hope the paradox there confuses you: you’re perfect, and you’re broken.

    Why is this a problem for you? Where did you learn to struggle with paradoxes like this?

    You know you’re perfect. I know this because you act like you’re perfect. When you’re hungry, you start thinking about food. When there’s food in front of you, you act like you want to eat it, maybe even going as far as putting it in your mouth, chewing it, and swallowing it.

    Only someone who truly believed their urges were perfect would act that way.

    But, at the same time, you know you’re broken. I know this because you act like you’re broken. When there’s food you “know you shouldn’t eat”, you try to pull yourself away from it. You go on diets. You compulsively exercise. You promise to stop eating so much junk food.

    Only someone who truly believed their urges were broken would act this way.

    Paradox is Not a Problem

    So, you’re kinda stuck, aren’t you? You want it both ways.

    Fine, want it both ways. Is that a problem? Where did you learn it was a problem?

    What if you put this all aside and just allowed the paradox to exist? What if you could see yourself not as a rational, intelligent, responsible person, but simply as a machine, an organism like any other. No responsibility, no intelligence, no rationality, no moral agency.

    It’s just the laws of nature that drive you wherever you go. YOU didn’t do it. YOU can’t undo it.

    Detach From the Language

    “But Michael, this is pessimistic! How am I going to lose weight when you’re telling me I have no agency?”

    Your weight loss or weight gain has nothing to do with what I happen to say to you. It happens according to the laws of nature. This conversation right here isn’t part of it. It’s just language.

    If you can’t detach yourself from the language, it means you’re at the mercy of whatever anyone happens to say to you.

    That can be useful. It’s hard to make sense of Harry Potter when you can’t attach to the language. But, when you find yourself getting sucked into every story you hear, you’re in big trouble.

    It’s better to choose which stories you want to let yourself get sucked into.

  • How to Build Habits

    (You might be interested in my podcast episode #25 – Something About Habits.)

    There’s Only One Way To Develop Consistent Habits

    We’ve all tried to develop habits that we know are good for us. And we’ve failed at most of them. At least I have.

    But, persistence pays off here. If you keep trying new approaches, you will eventually find something that clicks. People get stuck when they stop trying new things.

    Radical acceptance will make it easier for you to try new things. This is your best chance of success.

    I know, I know: this isn’t the story you were taught as a kid.

    You were taught that the way to develop habits is to TRY REALLY HARD. To say, “Yeah, I know, I should…”, or “I just need to…”, or whatever you say.

    Those strategies don’t work (do you even think of them as “strategies”? You should).

    Meditation will never be a consistent habit until you find a way to enjoy meditation. I don’t mean enjoy the idea of meditation. I mean enjoy meditation itself.

    The only way to do that is radical acceptance of whatever shows up.

    Go ahead, argue with me. I’m not budging on this one.

    Why You Suck At Changing Habits

    If you want to change habits, stop trying to change your behavior over large stretches of time. Instead, pick one isolated moment and work on that.

    Over this past year, I’ve been spending way too much time on my phone. Whenever I’m not on the computer, my phone is in my hands. Even while walking outside for hours.

    So, I said to myself that I’d like to stop using the phone while walking.

    But (and here’s the part that’s different from what you would do), I didn’t do that by trying to “break the habit” of using my phone while walking.

    Instead, I said “after I put my shoes on, I’m going to turn off my phone.”

    That’s the entire thing.

    It’s just one moment in time.

    It’s easy to do.

    It’s easy to keep score (if I wanted to, which I don’t).

    If there’s any problem doing it, I can zero in quickly on where the issue is.

    Get it? “Breaking the habit using my phone while walking” is now the end result of my actions. And, if I don’t get that result, I have only my ingenuity to blame (and not my willpower or lack thereof).

    You’re just a rat in a maze. Stop taking yourself so seriously.

    If you want to get better at this, you need to become aware of more isolated moments throughout your day. Each one is a hook you can use to reprogram yourself however you want.

    That awareness comes from KorMeditation. No Problem will get you started.

    You Can’t Force Yourself to Build Habits…

    …but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try.

    Every time you try to force yourself to do a thing, you’re weakening the obstacles that are preventing you from doing that thing automatically (this assumes you aren’t building new obstacles in the process).

    For example, let’s suppose you want the habit of walking every morning.

    You can’t just will this to happen. But, if you force yourself to walk tomorrow morning, you might discover that you don’t like your walking shoes, and you might buy better ones.

    The next day, if you force yourself again, you might discover you’re bored walking in silence, and you might listen to a podcast.

    After 30 days of this, you might find that your walking routine has become so pleasant that it just happens on its own. But, it’s not because YOU made it happen. It’s because of what you learned along the way.

    You’ll learn a lot in 30 days of this. But, there’s no guarantee you’ll build the habit. The habit may take years of trial and error. Still, you’ll learn a lot in 30 days.

    Habits don’t happen because of repetition! But, repetition can help you discover what does make the habit happen.

    A single repetition can be enough to cement a habit, if the rewards are great enough. (I hear this happens with heroin, for example.)

    When you try to form habits (I call this “practice”), it’s essential that you don’t just grit your teeth and bear it. You must let yourself be open to incoming data. This is the only way you’ll learn from your practice.

    Don’t try to figure it out. Just let yourself practice. Your mind will learn from its mistakes.

    (If you want to give yourself something to do, after each session, write down everything you found unpleasant. Again, no need to figure anything out. Just notice.)

  • Weekly update for September 21, 2021

    Weekly update for September 21, 2021

    Hm…these updates are being sent kinda randomly. Whatever.

    First order of business: Tomorrow I’ll be doing my first Monthly Q&A Session. It will be on Zoom and you can sign up here.

    You can ask any question about any topic I’ve talked about, such as:

    • Meditation
    • Mindful eating
    • KormanYoga
    • Nonviolent Communication
    • Relationships
    • Piano
    • Drawing
    • Calligraphy
    • Influencing
    • Marketing
    • Social media
    • Cancel culture and cyberbullying
    • Radical acceptance
    • Self-Expression
    • Psychology

    Second order of business: I’m planning something around mindful eating. But, I need to talk to you. Forget whatever you think you know about “mindful eating.” Like all other terms, it’s just a term.

    If you have any issues with food, please schedule a time to talk to me about it.

    Third order of business: I’m really into Nonviolent Communication these days. In fact, if you’ve ever had any issues with communication or relationships, I want to talk to you.

    I’ve made a bunch of Instagram posts on this topic. Here are two:

    That’s all for now. Have a good week.

    —Michael

    P.S. I’m currently taking a business course with George Kao, and I love how he looks at the world. Most marketing teachers tell you to have everything figured out before doing anything, but that doesn’t really work for my brain. George, on the other hand, is more about being authentic and experimenting and figuring things out as you go. Check out this blog post he wrote about how to stop preparing so much: https://www.georgekao.com/blog/nomoredelay

  • Stop “apologizing”

    Stop “apologizing”

    Apologies assume:

    • Someone hurt someone else.
    • Someone did something wrong.
    • Someone needs to fix the hurt in order to make things right.

    None of this makes sense.

    “I’m sorry I hurt you. What I did was wrong. I promise not to do it again. Please forgive me.”

    To this, I respond:

    • You didn’t hurt me.
    • You didn’t do anything wrong.
    • You can’t predict the future.
    • You don’t need my forgiveness.
    • I would rather talk about my pain, not yours.

    Let’s back up a bit.

    Suppose I say: “You broke my favorite toy. I would like you to apologize.” What is it I would like?

    I suck at apologizing and I think I know why: it’s because I don’t know how to receive apologies myself.

    So, I’m working on that: insisting that people apologize when I feel hurt.

    But, as I said, I don’t like apologies.

    I want to go deeper.

    Most people pretend to be satisfied with a BS apology, because they don’t want to rock the boat. They don’t want the other person to feel bad. So, they pretend to “forgive” them.

    Meanwhile, they’re not satisfied and they get resentful. (And the other person thinks the apology “worked”.)

    Again, suppose I say:

    “You broke my favorite toy. I would like you to apologize,” and you respond, “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to do it.”

    This doesn’t satisfy me.

    You think by asking for an apology, I want reassurance. It’s like if you could help me see that you didn’t mean to do it, then I’d have no reason to be angry at you, and thus I would calm down and everyone would be happy.

    But…I’m not angry at YOU.

    I’m just angry.

    I don’t want to know you didn’t mean to do it. Believe it or not, I want to know you DID mean to do it.

    But, it’s risky for you to tell me you meant to do it, because it opens you up to a whole new line of attack. Yet, it’s what I’m looking for.

    So, why would I want you to tell me you DID mean to do it?

    Because: the alternative is for me to blame myself. I want to know why you did it so that I can see that YOU did it. Otherwise, I’ll be wondering, “was I just being oversensitive?”

    You can just say: “yes, I did it, and I meant to do it, and here’s why I did it, and here’s the benefit I got from doing it.”

    It’s risky to say this, but I won’t be satisfied until I hear it.

    You can accept responsibility without accepting blame.

    Give me some examples of when apologies felt satisfying vs. unsatisfying. I want to flesh this out.

    (Also, look into Nonviolent Communication for more about why it’s not possible to “hurt” people or doing anything “wrong”.)

  • Weekly update for August 23, 2021

    Weekly update for August 23, 2021

    This update covers July 25-August 23.

    Market Research

    I’m looking to have conversations with people who:

    • Are beginners at meditation
    • Are advanced meditators
    • Play the piano
    • Draw
    • Have an Instagram account and are trying to spread a message
    • Dislike their relationship with food

    If you fit any of these categories, I want to talk to you. Please schedule a call.

    Nonviolent Communication

    I’ve been posting a lot about NVC lately, including 4 IGTV lives:

    1. Nonviolent Communication
    2. Feeling vs. Non-feelings
    3. You and me and NVC
    4. Two things to practice in NVC

    Discovery Sessions

    If you want to work with me about anything I do, sign up for a free Discovery Session.

    I only do 3 per week.

    Don’t let your “friends” hold you hostage

    I’ve lost a ton of friends since the beginning of the pandemic.

    It’s no surprise. Before 2020, I didn’t publish much online. And what I did publish was guarded and censored.

    But, when I decided to go all-in on learning marketing, I knew I had to make a choice: share my real stories, or be a fraud.

    (Read more)

    I Hate Listening to Music! (but, I love playing it)

    I’m lying to you. I don’t hate listening to music.

    But, I kinda do…

    (huh?)

    Wait…I’m still lying to you.

    The truth is, I haven’t played music much over the past few months.

    (Read more)

    Have a good week

    Hope this is useful for you.

    Follow me on Instagram at @no.michael.here. That’s where I post things first.

    TTYL.

    —Michael

  • Don’t let your “friends” hold you hostage

    I’ve lost a ton of friends since the beginning of the pandemic.

    It’s no surprise. Before 2020, I didn’t publish much online. And what I did publish was guarded and censored.

    But, when I decided to go all-in on learning marketing, I knew I had to make a choice: share my real stories, or be a fraud.

    You see, my stories are what give me the right to speak. Because I don’t want imposter syndrome, I only say things I’m 100% confident about.

    You’re the world’s foremost expert on your life. Even if someone calls you a fraud or tells you you’re “just being provocative”, if you’re sharing your real-life stories, you’re completely protected.

    Still, when you start talking, people will leave. Sometimes in droves.

    It hurts.

    After all, these are people from your old life. They’ve been there, by your side, for years. (ya know, from back when you didn’t talk about your hopes and dreams).

    But, you’re growing. Experimenting. Trying new things.

    Some of them will be willing to grow with you, and some won’t.

    Let me ask you: Do you even want friends who can’t bear to hear you say what’s on your mind?

    If so, why? I don’t expect all my friends to understand what I’m doing. My experiences are my experiences, not theirs.

    Still, if they’re going to be my friend, they could say:

    “I have no idea what Michael’s doing, but it seems important to him, so whatever.”

    They don’t have to “support me”, “get me”, “believe in me”, “encourage me”, “agree with me” or “help me”.

    They simply have to not attack me. It’s a low bar.

    So, start talking. Let those who can’t make the cut show themselves the door.

    (I’m not gonna lie…this is hard. It forces you to decide what’s important to you and what’s not. But hey…those decisions aren’t going to make themselves, are they?)

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