Breakups can really hurt, especially when nasty words get thrown around. It’s tempting to take those words to heart and make things even messier. But here’s the thing: those mean words often come from a place of unresolved pain. That’s why setting some healthy boundaries becomes super important when you’re dealing with the aftermath of a breakup. It’s all about respecting yourself and keeping your emotional well-being intact.
Pain → Mean words → Taking it personally → 💥
To stop taking it personally, you need boundaries.
DOs and DON’Ts When Setting Boundaries
The purpose of a boundary is to keep you sane, not to control the other person.
DON’T deny responsibility.
DON’T try to convince them to see things your way.
DON’T attack, blame or belittle them.
DON’T argue with the picture they paint of you.
DON’T be sarcastic or passive-aggressive.
DON’T try to stop them from getting upset.
DON’T assume they should already know your boundaries (even if you’ve told them before).
DO state clearly what’s your responsibility and what’s theirs.
DO acknowledge that their way may be right for them.
DO speak matter-of-factly, without emotion.
DO address the actual words they said.
DO make a good-faith effort to communicate.
DO expect them to misunderstand.
DO rephrase things to help them understand.
Examples
Let’s look at some examples of what you might hear when being dumped. For each one, I’ll first give a “bad” response (one that takes it personally) and then a “good” response (one that clearly sets a boundary).
“You never loved me. You’re incapable of understanding real love.”
❌ You replied: “That’s not true! I did love you, and it’s unfair for you to claim otherwise. You’re the one who doesn’t understand real love if you can’t see the depth of my feelings. Don’t try to diminish what we had just because things didn’t work out.”
✅ You should have said: “It’s not your job to decide whom I love and how I express love. That’s my job. Your job is to communicate how you want to be loved.”
“You need therapy.”
❌ You replied: “I don’t need therapy! You’re the one with the issues, not me. Stop trying to deflect and project your problems onto me.”
✅ You should have said: “It’s my responsibility, not yours, to decide if and how I get support for my own mental health.”
“You need to move on.”
❌ You replied: “I can’t believe you’re saying that. I still love you, and I’m not ready to give up on us. How can you be so cold and dismissive?”
✅ You should have said: “It’s my job, not yours, to decide how and for how long I grieve the loss of important relationships.”
“I can’t believe I ever loved someone as weak and needy as you. You’re just a pathetic loser. No wonder I left you.”
❌ You replied: “I can’t believe you’re saying these hurtful things to me! I am not weak and needy, and I am certainly not a pathetic loser. Maybe you left because you couldn’t handle someone who truly cared about you. It’s clear now that I deserve better than someone who would stoop so low to attack and belittle me.”
✅ You should have said: “I won’t tolerate being spoken to with such disrespect. It’s not your place to belittle me or label me as weak and needy. I have my own strengths and qualities that you once appreciated. If you can’t engage in this conversation with mutual respect and empathy, then I think it’s best we disengage.”
“I’ve made up my mind, and there’s nothing you can do to change it. We’re incompatible, and you need to accept that.”
❌ You replied: “You’re wrong! We had something special, and I believe we can work through this. Don’t be so quick to dismiss the possibility. I know we had our issues, but I’m willing to make changes and fight for us. You’re underestimating what we had together.”
✅ You should have said: “It’s my job, not yours, to decide if and how I attempt to repair important relationships.”
“You think you can make me change my mind by complimenting me? Too little, too late. You’re delusional and manipulative.”
❌ You replied: “I’m not being delusional or manipulative! I genuinely believed that expressing my appreciation for you could make a difference. I thought it might help you see how much you mean to me. But if you’re going to twist my words and attack me like that, maybe you’re the one who’s being unfair and manipulative. I deserve better than this.”
✅ You should have said: “It’s up to me, not you, to decide if and how I express appreciation for what I value in the people who are important to me. Your job is to communicate how you wish to hear appreciation.”
“I don’t need your half-hearted apologies. They mean nothing to me.”
❌ You replied: “Half-hearted? That’s not fair! I genuinely meant my apology, but it seems like you’re not willing to see that. I’ve tried to make amends, but if you’re going to dismiss my efforts, then maybe it’s better if we just leave things as they are. I deserve someone who can appreciate and accept a sincere apology.”
✅ You should have said: “It’s not your place to decide if and how I express remorse for actions in the past. Those decisions are mine to make.”
You Need to Practice
Right now, you’re trying to fix/save/salvage the relationship.
The bad news is that you’re not yet ready to do that. The good news is that by practicing boundaries, you can take concrete steps in that direction.
You won’t fix the relationship until you help meet the other person’s needs.
You won’t be able to help meet their needs until you know their needs.
You won’t know what their needs are until you understand the meaning behind their words.
You won’t understand the meaning behind their words until you hear their words objectively.
You won’t hear their words objectively until you stop getting triggered by their words.
You won’t stop getting triggered by their words until you have a secure sense of self.
You won’t have a secure sense of self until you know what is and what isn’t your responsibility.
You won’t know what is and what isn’t your responsibility until you can set boundaries.
You won’t be able to set boundaries until you practice.
