A 30-day one-on-one coaching program to help you ask for what you need in your relationships.
- When you’re having an argument, instead of backing down just to keep the peace, what if you could express your needs clearly without escalating the argument?
- When you’re afraid to make your partner uncomfortable by asking for the honest truth, what if you could ask in a way that would make them want to tell you the truth?
- When you ask your partner a question and the answer isn’t expressed the way you wish it were, what if you could respond in a way that’s patient and understanding?
Price: $250 USD
Expressing your needs is scary
As babies, we were defenseless and we learned to depend on the acceptance of others in order to survive.
Lots of other animals operate the same way, but humans make things a bit complicated by adding the element of culture.
Culture, annoyingly, cares more about its own self-perpetuation than it does about your individual needs. Culture teaches parents to say things like “children should be seen and not heard“, and so we learn that it’s unacceptable to express our needs.
Expressing our needs can trigger the same fears as being abandoned in the wilderness as a baby.
Throughout our whole lives, we human beings are social creatures. The patterns that we learned as babies never go away, and they become the template for all future relationships.
That’s why it’s hard to express your needs.
Relationships must be practiced
Over the next 30 days, this is what we’ll do:
- We’ll examine transcripts of your arguments with your partner, and identify exactly where you failed to express your needs. Then, we’ll rewrite the conversation in a better way.
- We’ll make a list of the behaviors your partner has that you don’t like (they don’t listen to you, they try too hard to please you, they’re too distant, etc.) and identify exactly how you’re encouraging them to do those things. Then, we’ll try new ideas for how you can encourage them to do something else.
- We’ll take things your partner has said to you that you can’t seem to empathize with, and we’ll come up with responses that both (a) express your own feelings (yes, even impatience), and (b) take into account your partner’s needs.
- Once a week, we’ll meet on Zoom and talk about how things are going.
We’ll be using some concepts from Nonviolent Communication, a technique created by the psychologist Marshall Rosenberg (don’t worry…it’s not just for violent people. The name was chosen as a reference to Gandhi’s concept of “nonviolent resistance).
I’ve been interested in Nonviolent Communication for a while, and I have hope that this mentality can fix some of the issues. But, who knows? We’d have to try it and see. This isn’t an NVC course. It’s just a course in helping you practice getting your needs met and in expressing those needs. I have no attachment to NVC and I’ll feel free to diverge from it as necessary.
Is your partner afraid to give you honest feedback?
The reason your partner doesn’t give you honest feedback is that they’re afraid to. They’re expecting you to respond negatively, so to keep the peace they tell you how wonderful you are.
Ready for the bad news?
You trained them to be afraid of being honest.
True…it’s not 100% your fault, because they’ve also been trained by people from their past relationships (and from their parents). But, you’re the one triggering those old habits today.
The good news is that by changing your behavior, you can make new patterns.
It’s hard to be understanding when you haven’t received understanding
Lots of people put pressure on themselves to be patient and understanding when they don’t feel that way.
This pressure disconnects you from your own needs and makes it impossible to be understanding.
To develop true patience, you must get in touch with yourself on a physical level and be OK with what’s there. Then, you’ll have space for others.
What you’re committing to
When you sign up for this, you’re committing to:
- Spending 15 minutes per day journaling.
- Making one request per day to your partner.
- Spending 30 minutes per week in a private coaching session with me.
If you can’t commit to this time, then you should wait until you can before signing up.
How to get started
If this sounds like something that appeals to you, I invite you to fill out the application form. Once you do that, I’ll be in touch to let you know if this seems like a good fit.
Price:$250 USD for this one-month coaching program.
Hi, I’m Michael. I’m an Evil Mindfulness Coach. I post on Instagram (@no.michael.here) about a variety of topics such as meditation, mindfulness, communication, being a Creator, etc. I’ve had lots of disagreements with lots of people, and it’s challenged my way of relating to others. So, I’ve been practicing. I hope I can help you practice too.