Hey, have you heard the Good News of your personal Lord and Savior, Michael Korman?
Here’s the deal: if you do as I say, you’ll be saved from your sins.
I know what you’re thinking: “Michael, I have no sins.”
Nonsense, for all have sinned and come short of the glory of Michael.
So, if you’re interested in salvation, this is what you need to do:
- Confess your sins. You’ve got to tell me about your problems. No pretending there are none. I need to know the details, with specific examples from your life. No virtue-signaling, no abstractions, no ideologies. Otherwise, I can’t save you.
- Repent. This means practice. Meditation, radical acceptance, NVC, whatever. It’s not enough to admit you’ve sinned. You must change your life around or else you’re screwed.
- Tithe. You’ll achieve salvation quicker if you pay me some money. If I’m not bringing you enough salvation to justify payment, confess more sins until I start doing my job.
- Evangelize to your friends. Cults require members. It can’t just be the two of us, as cozy as that might sound.
You know, all the usual stuff.
Yours in faith,